I don’t know if my life will ever be the same. I don’t know if I will ever be the same. And that doesn’t necessarily mean for the better or worse, just different. I believe once you go through a modern break up and get your heart broken, something changes inside of you. It may be the same for people who have broken up in previous generations; however our era seems to be having far more of them. Really, what are the odds that the person you decide to fall in love with, will be the one who loves you back exactly the same? Does that even exist? What are the chances they will fight for you as much as you are willing to fight for them? Maybe it is ignorance to think that in this day and age our chances can be that good. I mean look at all the options. There are so many opportunities to meet people; through social media, events, bars, and through our network of friends. Even the workplace can be tempting! Oh yeah, and then there’s Tinder! Not to mention how much Facebook can be a pain in the ass during a relationship.
I know of high school sweethearts or those who have been together forever, but I sure as hell am not one of them. Yes it pisses me off to think that I am someone who hasn’t been able to hold a successful relationship yet, but I have experienced, and I wouldn’t trade that. Really, looking back, I wouldn’t. I have made mistakes and definitely dated them, but it’s all a part of my life; it’s all a part of my story. Call me a dreamer, call me an idiot, but I won’t give up on the hope that one day a true lasting relationship will meet me half way. I know it’s not all a fairy tale anymore; it’s real, with real problems, real feelings. That’s a relationship! And the moment we think it’s a fairy tale; we escape the reality which is needed to make it work, or deal with it when it doesn’t! Where do fairy tales exist? In a book? In a movie? A movie is only two hours long for god’s sake, not a whole lifetime.
I don’t need someone to be the giver while I’m the taker. I don’t need someone to be madly in love with me while I reap all the benefits. I know what it feels like to do all that for a person and not be appreciated. I’m happy to meet them half way. But I do wonder if I will ever love the person who I marry one day as much as the person who broke my heart? Will I even get married? Do I only feel like I loved the person who broke my heart more than anyone else for that very reason- because they broke my heart? Strange to think we can be so complex or even stupid, but nothing would surprise me. We are human beings with fucked up minds sometimes, that’s just the truth. And will I ever trust again? Will I ever love freely or will I always have some sort of wall up? Maybe it’s too early to tell, but these questions are still a main part of my thinking.
And why is getting our heart broken the most painful thing in life? Why is it the hardest to get over? What is it about being in love that fascinates us, encourages us to dream, and makes us feel like we want to spend every last day of our life with this person? Why does it break all barriers, all restrictions, all of what we know as logic? Why is it the only emotion that can make us feel complete? Why is being in love, the very essence of our life? It’s like the mission of our soul- to find that other soul. The soul that understands us and will be there to pick us up when we fall. That soul that we can pick up when they fall. The one that will go to the end of the earth for us. No matter how big our dreams or what our achievements are, without finding that soul, it still doesn’t feel complete. Why is love the emotion that we surrender to, give up our power to?
“I don’t look for that other person, I don’t even care about it, or I don’t want a relationship.” I have heard it all before and I have been guilty of saying it. But I believe even if it’s subconsciously, we are always searching. Always giving someone a chance in the hope that maybe, just maybe they will be the one you don’t have to play games with. Equal attraction, equal love, equal goals. Wouldn’t that be amazing?
I have come to realize that in order to truly appreciate love; we have to feel what it is like to be taken away from us. We only know its power in our life once it’s gone! I don’t get that. Why do we really only know how much we value something in our life when it is taken away from us? To realize that the things you found most annoying about a person are the things you will miss the most. To find out how incomplete you feel when they are not around. As much as love gives to us, it takes from us. As happy as it makes us, equally as sad it makes us. As full, as empty. As at peace, as stressed. Does it make us wiser or more scared?
I have learnt that love is a book that will never end. It wants to keep us intrigued about its mystery. We have come to understand many things in life, but love will always be that mysterious, special feeling. Whether it is for another, for life, or for ourselves, love, is the pinnacle. No greater feeling on earth than to love, but no worse feeling than having it ripped straight out of our heart. Like the speed of lightning- As powerful, as beautiful, as damaging. One moment there, the next moment gone! And yes, I am very angry with love sometimes, but I am never so angry that it forces me not to hope for it again. Just of course next time, to actually hang around!
I know I haven’t made all the right decisions, but some have been just straight out fucking ignorant. Especially when I loved someone unconditionally who took me for the longest ride of my life in the shortest period possible. It’s like being the passenger of a car going 60 miles an hour straight into a wall. You are in such a daze looking at the driver; you completely ignore how hard you are about to crash. Grab the steering wheel you idiot! But we don’t, do we? I didn’t…
This is an excerpt(chapter 1) from the upcoming novel “The Modern Break-Up”. Interesting to see how this will all play out. Have your say below…
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Daniel Chidiac- Author of Who Says You Can’t? YOU DO